Ah Mother’s Day. It sounds like such a grand holiday. For most mom’s I think it is. It’s a day of homemade gifts presented from little hands, of flowers and special brunches from grateful spouses or significant others, of lots of hugs and kisses. The kind of day that warms the heart.
I’ve had a love/hate relationship with Mother’s Day most of my life. When I was a child in those years they now call tweens, the pressure was on to save up every cent you could get by turning in pop bottles, or from allowances and then bicycle your way to the local gift shop.
In my case it was just a few blocks up to “the Hill” or College Hill as it’s still known. There was a little pet and gift shop there that I would take all my found change in search of the perfect dollar gift. I’d buy my mom some little porcelain figurine that I thought she would like. A little teapot, or a small dish, a tiny heart shaped something. Then I would fold a piece of paper and draw her a nice card to go with it.
Mom of course, as all mothers do, would “ooo” and “aww” over my little gift and I would be off the hook for another year. I don’t recall however, seeing any of these little trinkets later in life. Apparently, my mom did not have hoarder tendencies like I do, which I define as sentimentality.
When I was an adult, the pressure became even greater to buy your mother something worthy of her having to have put up with you for your entire childhood and especially your teen years. I don’t remember anything I got my mother, but I’m sure it was awesome. At least that’s what I tell myself.
When I began having children my role then changed into being the mom who "ooed" and "awed" over the dandelion bouquets and hand drawn pictures from my four children. I never got the flowers and brunch from my husband, aka Mr. Romance, but that’s for another blog. His line was always, “well, you’re not my mother”.
I lost my mother to breast cancer when I was just 42, my dad had died just three years earlier. Mother’s Day now had a different meaning to me, it was a day of joy with my four children, but now also a day of loss over my own mother. My love/hate relationship with Mother’s Day now took on a whole new meaning. I no longer had a mom that I could stress over buying a gift for, and that made it worse somehow.
As my children grew and each left our home to start their own life adventures, I would look forward to Mother’s Day because it usually meant all four of them and their families would gather at our house for the weekend. It was a time of love and laughter, and I didn’t care if there were gifts or no gifts, just having them there together was all the joy I needed. For me, Mother’s Day has always been any day all of my children are home together with us.
Then another Mother’s Day happened. It would be the last Mother’s Day my oldest daughter Torri would have. I was living with them in Wisconsin and I mistakenly thought that a nice way I could help them enjoy the day would be to let them have the afternoon and supper alone together, just the three of them, since I was always there underfoot.
When I came back to their house after supper I noticed Torri looked very sad and had tears in her eyes, which tore my heart in two. She asked me why I hadn’t been there, and I explained that it was my gift to them as a family to give them some alone time. She looked at me and said, “but you are my mother, I wanted to celebrate with you.”
I think I hugged her harder than I ever had. I’ve never forgotten that day or those words. Instead of doing what I thought was a good thing, I had overlooked the fact that she had just wanted to spend the day with her mom. My gift to her had been right in front of my nose, literally. Torri died just about a week later on May 22, 2015.
Mother’s Day has never been the same for me since.
It’s hard to celebrate Mother’s Day when you’ve lost your mother, but I can tell you it’s nearly impossible to do so if you’ve lost a child. It’s even harder because you need to be there for your other children if you are so blessed, and/or grandchildren, but the hole in your very soul makes it nearly impossible to get past the day.
You laugh and smile and you are eternally grateful for all the phone calls and visits from your children and grandchildren, but there is always that one ever present loss in your life that never ceases. In the back of my mind, there is always that last Mother’s Day with Torri looping through my brain. I wish more than anything I could re-do that day. I will forever dread Mother’s Day for that reason.
I love Mother’s Day because it reminds me of each of my four children, the joy of each of them, their unique strengths and weaknesses, the things that make each of them who they are. I no longer get to have all of them here together. Some live farther away, some have their own women in their lives to celebrate, one is in Heaven. I love hearing from each of them and having the ones who live nearby stop over. It’s always a good day whenever you hear from your children.
I hate Mother’s Day because of all the other mom’s I know who have lost a child. I now know the pain they are having today and every single day. I hate it because of all the women out there who long to be a mother but can’t for whatever reason and perhaps can’t afford to adopt a child because the costs are ridiculously high.
I hate Mother’s Day because it reminds me of the child I have lost and of her little boy who no longer has his mother. I am very thankful because of the woman who has stepped in to represent that role in his life now and I’m so grateful and happy she is there. Sadly, the pain of my daughter’s loss is no easier, and once again, it is a love/hate relationship with this day.
I will never have that “perfect” Mother’s Day, if such a thing exists, and I will always have a love/hate relationship with it. I am so thankful that I was able to have four beautiful, intelligent, loving children who have been blessed with wonderful children of their own.
I decided to wait and post this blog after Mother’s Day, because if it is just a happy special day for you then I did not want to spoil your day in any way. I hope it always remains that way. If you are, like I am, dreading that day and perhaps grieving for a child, or children lost, then I waited to let the day pass for you. God bless you all.
I want to leave you with something positive to remember on Mother’s Day. Whatever your circumstances, however you do or don’t celebrate the day, whether you are a mother of human beings, pets, or just have a mother, give yourself a hug. Being a mom is a tough job.
Enjoy each and every moment you can with your children, whether human or furry babies, but know that it’s impossible to be a “perfect” mom and many days are going to be bad days and many are going to be good days and that is ok. It’s ok to end up the day with nothing in the house getting done. Were the children/pets fed? Is everyone healthy and tucked into bed safe and warm. Then you did ok. It’s fine to be happy with the smallest of victories.
Take each day on its own, some are better than others, accept the failures along with the wins. Know that kids are kids. Each one is an individual. If your child isn’t reading yet or can’t play the violin or solve math problems at age five, it’s ok. This age of social media has put so much undo pressure on moms to raise children in a perfect way to be just like everyone else. What a boring world that would be! I can tell you that each of my four had their own very distinct personalities, and they still do. Thank you!
God blessed me with two easy children to start off with. He knew what was coming and I guess He wanted to give me a few years of parenting experience before I tackled the next two. My first son and daughter were laid back kids, easy going spirits who played well together and were like dream children. Then I had another son and daughter. Welcome reality.
These two were a challenge right from the beginning. They have often challenged me throughout my life, God bless them! I wouldn’t want it any other way. As I said earlier, how boring life would be if all children acted the same. I have gone through ups and downs with each of my four children, and we have traveled some rough roads together. We are family, and we always pull through when we stick together as one.
I love each one of them for who they are as an individual and for who they are as siblings to each other. None of them are perfect, and I love them all unconditionally, just as they are. Each of them is raising their own children and I am happy to tell you that the “Mother’s Curse” (may God give you children that act just like you!) really works. Thank you Lord.
I’m glad this holiday has passed but I am also very thankful for it. I’m thankful I’m the mother of these four.
God bless all the Mom’s out there.
Until next time…Toni
Brittney & Torri
Josh & Jason
Josh, Torri, Jason & Brittney (dogs are Shar-pei’s Jack & Jazz)