#ProjectIAmNotAshamed…Mental Health Awareness

Ok, I’m veering off the tracks a bit today. I had a blog all ready to post, about my high school teachers and what a great influence they had on me, I’ll post that later. This topic is near and dear to my heart, I hope you’ll have a listen.
I realized tomorrow is #projectiamnotashamed day. People with mental health diseases are to stand in their community between 10:00 am and 2:00 pm with a sign that tells the type of mental health illness you or a loved one has and to open communications about it.
The point is to stop the stigma people have with mental illness. It’s a “hidden” disease if you will, you can’t "see" it. You probably know people right now who are struggling with it, but you may not realize they are. It’s not like having a cast on a broken leg or arm that people can see and identify easily with. Most people who have some type of depression are also pretty good at hiding it, often until it’s too late. We only take notice when bad things happen to celebrities like Robin Williams and Kate Spade.
I wanted to be out there with my sign, just like I wanted to go to recent events and hang out, but my anxiety stops me. It’s something I struggle hard with every day. PTSD and anxiety attacks keep me at home and missing many things. Often the mental anguish of anxiety is overwhelming and it’s just easier to stay home. I realize if you’ve never had any mental disease you have no idea what it’s like. Be very thankful.
I’ve had clinical depression since my mid twenties. I’ve been on and off medications. Some worked, some did not. I’ve been thru multiple therapies, same thing. I believe strongly in taking care of your mental health and seeking counseling for it. Mental health care is a process, a trial and error often. Don’t give up, and don’t suffer through it alone. Having a good support system is often key.
After the death of my oldest daughter Torri from cervical cancer and all that followed, I developed PTSD and anxiety attacks. My faith has helped carry me along the way, but I’ll admit, there are many days I don’t want to face the world. I just want to stay home, isolated, alone, just trying to make it to the next day. I’m thankful for God watching over me, only His love is truly unconditional and I’ve put Him to the test many times.
The combination of all of these is often very debilitating. It is difficult just to go to town to do simple tasks like buying groceries. People will mistakenly think I’m either shy or stuck up, or anti-social, or rude because I don’t show up for social things or cancel plans. I know my excuses are lame, but that’s part of the stigma association.
The truth is, my depression has gotten the better of me that day. I’m stuck in my house wishing I could go, hating that I can’t, trying to cope. Would anyone guess that I had any of these, probably not.
When I must be out and about, I dig deep to pull out all the stops. The “mask” comes on and you’d think I was the most social person around. I’m outgoing, often witty, maybe even charming. I’m laughing, making others laugh and have a good time, that is my specialty. You’d enjoy being around me as I often use humor and charm to mask my depression. But inside, there is a whole other world going on, one that no one else is allowed to see.
Why can’t I just do that all the time you may ask, just dig deep, put on the "mask". Wouldn’t that make me "normal"? It’s exhausting. It takes a toll on you mentally and physically. Do I wish I could be "normal" all the time, you better believe it. I didn’t choose this any more than someone with a physical illness chooses that. It’s not a character flaw or weakness. It’s an illness. Would you ask someone with a broken arm to just "get over it"?
My anxieties won’t allow me to be standing outside with my sign, so I decided to put my discussion here on my blog, at home, behind my computer, safe. Yet, also very dangerous I know. Depression has a HUGE stigma attached, that’s what we are all trying to break. Mental Illness Awareness Week takes place from Oct. 7–13 this year. The theme is "Cure Stigma", very fitting.
People look at you differently when they know you have depression. They often give you that “look” – the one that says, “I’m so sorry, are you ok sweetie?” I hate that look. It’s why I usually don’t share my disease.
They also start treating you differently, like you are a small child who needs to be gently guided along, or like you are made out of glass and must be carefully attended to so you don’t break. It’s happened to me so many times. Stop it.
I’m just like you, only my brain has some chemical imbalances that cause it to veer off on occasion. I don’t want you to treat me any differently than anyone else. I can handle it, if I can’t I’ll tell you or I won’t come to whatever social event I’m invited to. If I go into a crisis mode, then there are signs, learn them, but don’t treat me differently.
This is my sign for tomorrow, for #projectiamnotashamed. I hope you’ll ask me about depression, I’ll share my story. It often runs in families and recent studies have shown depression, anxiety and OCD, may share some genetic risk factors.
My dad had it, though I don’t think it was ever diagnosed, I have children who have it. I’ve had depression for decades. Some of it is new, and some I’ve worn like a pair of old shoes. I don’t like it, but I can’t throw it out either. It’s part of who I am, part of my DNA.
Mental illness, depression is a disease. It is no different than having any other disease and people should not be looked down on because of it.
If you give me pity, sympathy or “the look”, you will not be doing me a service, you’ll be insulting me. I will probably distance myself from you.
I just want you to know, it’s something I struggle with every day, and I’m not being a jerk when I cancel things, I’m trying to deal with my disorder. Honor me with patience and understanding, not pity and sympathetic gestures.
Until next time…Toni
http://projectiamnotashamed.com
https://www.nami.org/Get-Involved/Awareness-Events/Mental-Illness-Awareness-Week
http://www.mentalhealthamerica.net/recognizing-warning-signs
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org 📞 800-273-TALK (8255)

To Go or Not to Go…Class Reunions

I will be the first to admit I have never been keen on class reunions. I’m reasonably certain I have attended at least one of my class reunions, but other than that, I don’t think I usually go. You are probably wondering why, since I’m so “witty and charming” and I still live within three miles of my high school and the town it’s located.
Spoiler alert:
First, I was never the most popular girl or the most beautiful girl in my class. If you were one of those girls (you know who you are) you almost have an obligation to show up at all the class reunions, so everyone can see if you’ve changed, in other words, gained weight or gotten less beautiful. Trust me, both are the hope of every other girl that was in high school with you.
It has been my experience however, that neither of those things happen to any of these girls, at least not to the ones that were in my class, at either school.
Let me explain that last sentence which is also my next reason for not attending. I have always felt torn between two schools, and not really belonging to either one. I attended Cedar Falls schools from kindergarten to ninth grade, then my family moved to Dike just three years before I graduated.
So which school or schools am I an alumni of? Cedar Falls or Dike or both? I’m never sure. I attended the Cedar Falls schools the longest, however never attended the high school there. I graduated from Dike high school, however, only attended there from half of ninth grade through twelfth. Do you see my dilemma?
Cedar Falls class of ’73 had their 45th class reunion during Sturgis Falls Days. I probably could have gone over and said hello, but I didn’t because I never know if I fit in since I didn’t attend the high school there, and that after all is what class reunions focus on, high school stuff.
My Dike high school 45th class reunion is coming up during Dike’s Watermelon days. I’m really torn about going or not going. I haven’t aged that well. I’m not the thinner person I was in high school, I’ve gained a second me who is attached to my middle and hip areas. I’ve tried to shake her off, but she refuses to leave.
I’ve gotten arthritis in my knees and hands and don’t jump like I did when I was a cheerleader. I do still have a loud voice, although I can’t hear well now so I probably talk too loud most of the time. In other words, I have not aged particularly well.
A lot of my classmates, ok the majority, look just like they did back in high school with maybe a little greyer hair and a few tiny wrinkles here and there, but for the most part, they look great. Me, not so much. I’m that person people will look at and wonder “what on earth happened to her?” A lot has happened, but that’s another story.
There is also the fact that they all went to school from Kindergarten through graduation and I only joined them mid-ninth grade year. They have a long history, they know each other well. I only knew them for the three years I spent with them in high school. Many of them are relatives as well, so they have that bond. I was not related to any of them.
I was the stranger who moved in and then had the audacity to marry one of their own. I was the lucky one in that regard.
Another consideration for me is the whole parade thing. When I was in high school I marched in many school parades as one of the drummers. My class will have a float in the parade and with my arthritic body I worry that I’ll be the one who can’t get up onto the wagon without causing a scene or bodily injury to myself or others. So, do I just duck the parade and save myself the embarrassment?
Clothing, there is another dilemma for me. Is it just me or do all people go through this? What to wear that won’t make you look too fat, too old, too poor, too frumpy, too dated, too casual, etc, etc. The list is endless. I never seem to be able to choose the right outfit to wear. Some people just slap on anything and look wonderful, I am not one of those people.
My hair style or rather lack of one, is another thing I stress over. Shoes, what about shoes! I’m stressing out right now just thinking about all of this. There was a day when I wore all the cutest shoes and clothing, had long dark hair, didn’t stress about any of it, but, I was a size 5 back then. I haven’t seen that size in thirty-five years at least.
There is also the obligatory get together, there’s always a meal. Confession time, I hate to eat around others. One, because of that whole mental judging thing I envision because of my size now. Two, because I’ve also always been a klutz, so I always end up spilling on myself, it’s almost legendary. Three, I am quite possibly the slowest eater on the planet, ask anyone who has dined out with me on those rare occasions.
While I have an outgoing type of personality, and I’m not shy around strangers, I am also horribly socially awkward because of the above reasons. You won’t find me at any parties laughing it up with people while deftly juggling my paper plate of food in one hand and glass of pop in the other, au contraire. I prefer my little bit of acreage with my hammock and dog. I’m social on paper.
So here I am. The confused alumnus who is socially awkward, who has probably changed the most out of everyone in not one, but two school systems and has nothing to wear. My confusion is no fault of my classmates of either school, it’s a product of what happens when you get moved so late in the game. You lose that longevity and familiarity whether good or bad. You become the kid with no place/class to truly call your own.
To the class of 1973, know that in my heart I hold you all dear. Whether I went to school with you for ten years in Cedar Falls or for three years in Dike, I wish you all well. I’m not the thin kid with the dark hair and green eyes you may recall. I’m old, greying, my eyesight is worse, my waist went from thin to extra-large, I limp when I walk, and my hands hurt most of the time. I’m the kid that didn’t age well. The forty-five years since we walked out of high school with our diplomas in hand have not always been the kindest to me. I hope most of you have fared much better.
If I don’t join you, have fun, enjoy your memories. Maybe I’ll see you at our 50th.
Until next time…Toni

21st Century Perks and Problems

This morning there was a small thunderstorm in my area. No big deal, it happens all the time in Iowa. Lightning strikes were close, and we lost power for less than five minutes. Seemingly not a problem, however, that was just enough time to mess up my electronically controlled house.
I love technology, and always have. Most of the time it works great. I love that I can control the lights in my house with an app or by telling my Echo dot to turn something off or on. It fits my nature, I like to be in charge. I’m a Capricorn, it’s in the stars. Granted it is only electronic gadgets I oversee, but power is power after all.
The downside of technology is when your electricity goes out, even for five minutes. Philips Hue lights are built with an emergency setting so that if you lose power, when the power is restored all your Hue lights will turn on. Apparently, this is for my own good, so I can see in case of an emergency.
I wish they would allow you to set up a time limit on the power outage. For instance, if my power is out less than ten minutes, do NOT turn on all the lights when power is restored. This would save me a lot of bright blinding lights waking me up when our power briefly goes out due to a summer thunderstorm at 2:00 a.m. Perhaps I need to bring this to their attention.
The second thing that happened this morning is that the brief lightning strike, also fried my internet hub. I did all the normal things, unplug stuff for thirty seconds, plug it back in. Nothing. I called it in and sure enough, we were not on their “grid”. You never, ever want to hear you are “not on the grid” technology-wise.
I am now trying to figure out how to turn off all my Hue lights without internet service. I know what you are thinking, but that’s so un-technological.
So far, the information I could pull up on my phone, which thank goodness I can still connect to the outside world without the internet working in my home, says that I can. Nothing has worked so far.
The tech can’t come here until Monday between 12:30 and 4:30, so it will probably be around 5:00 p.m. when they arrive. I guess I am stuck doing it the old-fashioned way, the on/off switch on each light. It feels so antiquated.
When the lights went out I was also just beginning to watch Thor: Ragnarok on Netflix using my Roku. Yes, it was just after 7:00 am, but what else is there to do, I’d already loaded the dishwasher, so my conscious was clear. Another 21st C problem, no internet, no Roku. No Roku, no Netflix. No Netflix, no Thor. (big sighs)
So how did we get here to all these wonderful technological problems after all? Let’s go back a few years (cough cough) and reminisce about how some of this began. I have no internet after all so I’m not going anywhere else cyber-wise.
I’m part of the Baby Boom Generation. “Boomers” were born roughly between 1943-1960 (there are differing opinions on those years) when the world felt safe again after world wars and people had jobs and started having babies, apparently a lot of us. We are now over fifty (in my case over sixty) and we have seen a lot of changes over the decades.
Warning: Younger adults may have to Google many of the following references.
Two big things happened in 1955, the year I was born. Disneyland and McDonalds. I’ve never been to Disneyland, but sadly, I have been to McDonalds too many times! I have learned from my mistakes.
I know what you’re thinking and yes, there were many other things happening that year also like the Salk’s Polio vaccine was approved, and birth control pills. The Micky Mouse Club debuted, and Elvis Presley was a big hit along with Rock & Roll. Rosa Parks made her famous stand and the Vietnam war began and would end the year we graduated high school in 1973.
Actor James Dean died that year, so did physicist and Nobel winner Albert Einstein, you may have heard of him. Some people born that year were Steve Jobs and Bill Gates, coincidence?
Speaking of computers, the computer would be going from the size of a room to us literally wearing one on our wrist today like the old Dick Tracy* comic of yesteryear. Isn’t modern technology awesome! (*Google alert for you young ones)
We started out with a newer thing called television and were thrilled to be able to watch shows in black and white. Then came color! Wow, did that open a whole new horizon. I remember on Sunday nights my family used to drive over to my aunt and uncles house for supper and then we’d all sit and watch Bonanza on their new color TV.
We still had black and white at home and Bonanza just wasn’t the same once you’d seen it in color. (Michael Landon was even dreamer in color!) Later, as an young adult I owned a portable TV which I could watch my favorite shows (on all four channels) while sitting outside. Imagine that, I felt so empowered! Now it’s on my cell phone, all 250 channels.
Gadgets have always been my favorite things, like that newfangled spellcheck and dictionary from long, long ago. Then came more little information gadgets and soon you were able to buy a computer for your home!
The early version of internet meant waiting forever while your computer dialed it up through your land line telephone and there were a lot of pings and buzzes involved. It opened a whole new horizon; the world was literally now at your fingertips.
I used to go on the internet just to look up photos of other parts of the world, places I’d never be able to travel to. Being able to instantly access information was so fascinating to me and still is. My grand-kids think nothing of being able to type in a few words and pull up information in the blink of an eye, but back in the beginning it seemed so futuristic.
With all this wonderful technology that we enjoy today there are also some problems that go with it, or as the kids like to refer to it as, 21st century problems. Unlike the old land line phones that only went out when either a telephone pole was down due to a storm, or you neglected to pay "Ma Bell" your phone bill, (remember long distance bills?) cell phones come with their own problems. Today, cell phones can go down for many reasons, solar flashes, no tower service, tower site down, battery died, the unpaid bill is still one of them unfortunately, and my personal favorite, dropped calls.
Ah, 21st Century problems, that brings me back to this mornings thunderstorm.
I love all the new devices that can turn your ordinary house into a “smart home”. My oldest son Jason got me hooked on the Hue lights as he has them throughout his home. I love the way you can control your lighting from your phone or your voice if you add another invention, that being some type of voice-controlled speaker, think Dot or Google or Siri. My son had an extra Hue light hub, so he sent one home with me and I quickly went out and purchased some smart light bulbs.
These bulbs are not cheap, just for “ordinary” white light it is around $15 a bulb. But, they can be dimmed and controlled, without touching your lamp, which most ordinary light bulbs cannot. My strong will for wanting to stay as stationary as possible makes these devices even more appealing to me. I was so awed by their performance I saved up and purchased a color bulb. I say saved up because those run about $50 a bulb.
The range of colors and things you can do with these bulbs is worth the money in my humble opinion. My goal is to eventually replace all my white light smart bulbs with the colored ones in my living room for that true color experience. You can make it look like a sunset or a desert savanna (I’m trusting them on this one) for example. Who doesn’t want that? I wonder if I can set up a “donation” account to help me buy more colored bulbs?
The small voice-controlled speakers of today are also part of my home and something I love. I have three of the Dot’s in my house and use them frequently. One is in my bedroom, one in the living room and one in the kitchen. The one in the kitchen gets the most use. While I’m cooking I can use it to set timers and add items to my shopping list, then pull up that list on my smartphone later when at the store.
No more forgotten or lost lists, no more trying to remember what it was I was out of. No more forgetting to write it down on my list only to forget to take my list along with me later. I love the immediacy of the whole system. My brain can relax too. My brain thanks me.
As I mentioned in the beginning, there is a downside to this technology. If you ever lose electricity for even a second or two, when it comes back on, FLASH, so does every single Hue bulb in your house including the bedroom ceiling lights.
After being blinded into wakefulness you reach over for your iPad or cell phone and manually turn off each room of lights, or you tell Alexa or Google to do it for you, at least that’s how it normally goes. Not this morning. As I mentioned it also killed my internet hub. No Internet, no controlled devices. Rats, my Capricornian power control foiled again.
I am glad I have been a part of this technical revolution and have seen all the advances since the mid-fifties. For the most part I love technology and the great things it can do for us. There are definitely some problems with it and some things that need to be tweaked and overhauled. I wonder what the next big thing to come out will be?
My smartwatch is telling me I need to get more steps in for the day and that I have ten unread emails. The weather map on the front is showing me rain has cleared out of my area for now with temperatures up into the eighties. Looks like another day inside with the air conditioning on for me, which is another of my all-time favorite inventions.
“Alexa add laundry soap to my shopping list”. Oh right, no internet. Now where did I put a pen?
Until next time…Toni
From 1955: (Just for fun)
Average Cost of new house – $10.950.00 Average Monthly Rent – $87.00 Average Yearly Wages – $4.130.00 Minimum Hourly Rate – $1.00 Average Cost of a new car – $1,900.00 Cost of a gallon of Gas – .23 cents Black and White TV – $99.95
Update:
I managed to make it through the next few days and over the weekend before our technical support could come fix our internet on “Monday between noon and four.” I had to manually turn on and off my lights and my fan until then. How 20th century!
I placed a call in to our internet provider Monday morning to make sure I was still on the list for a repair visit that afternoon, and was assured I was. I sat waiting all Monday afternoon for the tech person to arrive and when five-thirty rolled around and still no word, I called in to the company to find out what happened.
The overly cheerful young man in customer support was also perplexed as he noted I was indeed on the repair list for the day but then had been removed. This is another thing you don’t want to hear. He needed to put me on hold while he checked with his supervisor.
I never got a good answer other than the job prior to mine had taken longer and I would need to call back in the morning and reschedule another appointment. I politely told him I did not think this was a proper way to handle your customers and suggested that they may want to consider letting the customer know if another job is taking longer and then reschedule the customer that got bumped for the next morning.
I told him I didn’t feel like them not calling or showing up was my responsibility or that I should be required to call in to make another appointment. I felt that putting me back on the two-day waiting list was not a good way to handle things. He thanked me for my advice and we hung up.
About a half an hour later my phone rang, and it was an automated voice from my internet provider telling me that our repair tech would be arriving within the next hour. This was a shock to me. That would also put them at our house between six-thirty and seven, not the ideal time of day to have a repair tech in your house.
While we were finishing up supper I noticed a white van pull into our driveway and I went and put Kutter into the bedroom because most repair people don’t like having a pit bull staring at them while they work on your stuff. Kutter is a gentle soul and would only lick people, but his bark and stare can be intimidating.
I was waiting to answer the front door when my phone rang again. It was the tech guy out in his truck, in our driveway. He was asking me if he was at our house by describing my house to me and the vehicles parked in front of it. I wanted to walk outside and lead him by the hand up to my front door, but I resisted and told him yes, he was at my house.
I could tell immediately that he was in a very foul mood. I’m guessing some supervisor told him he had to get to our house tonight! I had never said that to the customer service guy earlier and had left it that I would reschedule my appointment for another day.
He was a young man, early twenties, scowl on his face, no polite chit chat at all. He went up on the roof to make sure the dish was still pointing toward the tower in Dike, then came in the house and got on our computer. Then he was out in his truck and back and forth a few times.
Each time he came in or out he left our front door open, so I’d have to get up and go around and shut it, as the air conditioning was on. Him not being able to shut doors would come into play later. Karma is real too, just like Capricorns.
After about a half an hour he managed to get it repaired and told us we had internet again. I thanked him as he walked out the door, again no word from him at all. I was going to tell him that I appreciated his coming so late but as I said he was in a crabby mood and just walked out the door.
A few minutes later I was surprised when he was back at our front door knocking on it again. Apparently, he is also unfamiliar with doorbells. He asked me if we had any fly spray because his truck had flies in it and a hornet. I didn’t correct him that more than likely it was a mud wasp.
He said he had left his truck door open the entire time he was here, see what I mean about leaving doors open? I did politely tell him that it was never a good idea to leave a door or window open when out on a farm location. It’s summer, there are flies.
I looked around the house and all I could find was a small can of mosquito spray which I said he could try and just keep the can. He didn’t return so I can only wonder at the outcome.
To thank us he left his pile of cigarette butts in my back yard, so my dog could eat them later. Luckily, I saw them first and cleaned up after the guy. How many could one guy smoke? Perhaps I should have told him about the downfalls of smoking too?
It was a delightful experience all around. If you are wondering if I’m going to call my internet provider this morning and let them know what a wonderful experience we had, oh most definitely yes I am.
I was happy later when I could tell Alexa to add sweet and sour sauce to my shopping list and I watched my living room lights slowly dim on their time schedule and then turn off.
The 21st C had been restored to my home and I could once again rest well knowing that technology was up and working for me once again. The joy of power was again surging through my veins.
Epilogue:
Since writing this blog, there was an EF3 tornado that hit Marshalltown, Iowa, among other towns. At first, other than my deep concern for the people who lived there and the businesses that were destroyed and my fear of Zeno’s pizza being gone, I did not feel it had affected me much personally. This proved to be a false statement as I quickly learned that my internet provider was heavily damaged in this same tornado and we would be a week without internet service.
Being without the internet is a very, very small thing compared to people who lost homes, jobs, businesses, and other belongings. My heart goes out to them all.