Ok, I’m veering off the tracks a bit today. I had a blog all ready to post, about my high school teachers and what a great influence they had on me, I’ll post that later. This topic is near and dear to my heart, I hope you’ll have a listen.
I realized tomorrow is #projectiamnotashamed day. People with mental health diseases are to stand in their community between 10:00 am and 2:00 pm with a sign that tells the type of mental health illness you or a loved one has and to open communications about it.
The point is to stop the stigma people have with mental illness. It’s a “hidden” disease if you will, you can’t "see" it. You probably know people right now who are struggling with it, but you may not realize they are. It’s not like having a cast on a broken leg or arm that people can see and identify easily with. Most people who have some type of depression are also pretty good at hiding it, often until it’s too late. We only take notice when bad things happen to celebrities like Robin Williams and Kate Spade.
I wanted to be out there with my sign, just like I wanted to go to recent events and hang out, but my anxiety stops me. It’s something I struggle hard with every day. PTSD and anxiety attacks keep me at home and missing many things. Often the mental anguish of anxiety is overwhelming and it’s just easier to stay home. I realize if you’ve never had any mental disease you have no idea what it’s like. Be very thankful.
I’ve had clinical depression since my mid twenties. I’ve been on and off medications. Some worked, some did not. I’ve been thru multiple therapies, same thing. I believe strongly in taking care of your mental health and seeking counseling for it. Mental health care is a process, a trial and error often. Don’t give up, and don’t suffer through it alone. Having a good support system is often key.
After the death of my oldest daughter Torri from cervical cancer and all that followed, I developed PTSD and anxiety attacks. My faith has helped carry me along the way, but I’ll admit, there are many days I don’t want to face the world. I just want to stay home, isolated, alone, just trying to make it to the next day. I’m thankful for God watching over me, only His love is truly unconditional and I’ve put Him to the test many times.
The combination of all of these is often very debilitating. It is difficult just to go to town to do simple tasks like buying groceries. People will mistakenly think I’m either shy or stuck up, or anti-social, or rude because I don’t show up for social things or cancel plans. I know my excuses are lame, but that’s part of the stigma association.
The truth is, my depression has gotten the better of me that day. I’m stuck in my house wishing I could go, hating that I can’t, trying to cope. Would anyone guess that I had any of these, probably not.
When I must be out and about, I dig deep to pull out all the stops. The “mask” comes on and you’d think I was the most social person around. I’m outgoing, often witty, maybe even charming. I’m laughing, making others laugh and have a good time, that is my specialty. You’d enjoy being around me as I often use humor and charm to mask my depression. But inside, there is a whole other world going on, one that no one else is allowed to see.
Why can’t I just do that all the time you may ask, just dig deep, put on the "mask". Wouldn’t that make me "normal"? It’s exhausting. It takes a toll on you mentally and physically. Do I wish I could be "normal" all the time, you better believe it. I didn’t choose this any more than someone with a physical illness chooses that. It’s not a character flaw or weakness. It’s an illness. Would you ask someone with a broken arm to just "get over it"?
My anxieties won’t allow me to be standing outside with my sign, so I decided to put my discussion here on my blog, at home, behind my computer, safe. Yet, also very dangerous I know. Depression has a HUGE stigma attached, that’s what we are all trying to break. Mental Illness Awareness Week takes place from Oct. 7–13 this year. The theme is "Cure Stigma", very fitting.
People look at you differently when they know you have depression. They often give you that “look” – the one that says, “I’m so sorry, are you ok sweetie?” I hate that look. It’s why I usually don’t share my disease.
They also start treating you differently, like you are a small child who needs to be gently guided along, or like you are made out of glass and must be carefully attended to so you don’t break. It’s happened to me so many times. Stop it.
I’m just like you, only my brain has some chemical imbalances that cause it to veer off on occasion. I don’t want you to treat me any differently than anyone else. I can handle it, if I can’t I’ll tell you or I won’t come to whatever social event I’m invited to. If I go into a crisis mode, then there are signs, learn them, but don’t treat me differently.
This is my sign for tomorrow, for #projectiamnotashamed. I hope you’ll ask me about depression, I’ll share my story. It often runs in families and recent studies have shown depression, anxiety and OCD, may share some genetic risk factors.
My dad had it, though I don’t think it was ever diagnosed, I have children who have it. I’ve had depression for decades. Some of it is new, and some I’ve worn like a pair of old shoes. I don’t like it, but I can’t throw it out either. It’s part of who I am, part of my DNA.
Mental illness, depression is a disease. It is no different than having any other disease and people should not be looked down on because of it.
If you give me pity, sympathy or “the look”, you will not be doing me a service, you’ll be insulting me. I will probably distance myself from you.
I just want you to know, it’s something I struggle with every day, and I’m not being a jerk when I cancel things, I’m trying to deal with my disorder. Honor me with patience and understanding, not pity and sympathetic gestures.
Until next time…Toni
http://projectiamnotashamed.com
https://www.nami.org/Get-Involved/Awareness-Events/Mental-Illness-Awareness-Week
http://www.mentalhealthamerica.net/recognizing-warning-signs
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org 📞 800-273-TALK (8255)