I will never be a great blogger, because if you haven’t noticed already, I’m very inconsistent. Bloggers need to put out their blog on an expected timeline, every week, or once a month, but something that their readers can follow and rely on. That’s not me.
I try. I have reminders set on my phone, reminders that pop up on my phone calendar, but I just ignore them like so many other things in my life now. Part of this has to do with my diagnosed PTSD* which is now my “best buddy” that I’d like to chuck off a bridge. Part of it comes from anxiety and panic attacks. Part of it comes from A.D.D. (or ADHD)** I’ve also had depression since my teens, so that tops it all off. I guess I truly am a bag of mixed nuts!
No matter what causes it, I know I’m not good at being consistent. Sadly, this also applies to my friends and especially my best friend. According to Facebook I have over 400 friends. I’m flattered to think I have that many, which is a low number for most people, but I’m not sure I actually know all of them.
I do appreciate that smaller group of “real” friends who take the time to like a photo I’ve put up or comment on something Jazzy has done. Those who actually take the time to pray for me when I’ve asked, or wish me a Happy Birthday. Those who offer hugs and prayers this time of year as Torri’s birthday approaches or when the day we lost her is here. I appreciate each and every one of you.
That brings me to my best friend. I’ve known her for over 40 years. We met right after Torri was born. She babysat for a nurse at Grundy Hospital who told her a lady had a baby girl and named her Torri. Why? Because she had a little boy named Tory. Not a name many children have, so it was a unique coincidence. After that she started a Coupon Club, something that was big in the 80’s. I went to a meeting and the rest as they say is history.
She learned I was that mom with the daughter named Torri and I met her son Tory. We hit it off immediately. We talked on the phone almost every day (back before cell phones) and got together whenever we could, she with 3 sons, me with 2 boys and 2 girls.
Then she moved out of state. Her husband got a much better job in Wisconsin and so my best friend moved away. We still talked on the phone and wrote each other letters (something people don’t do much today) but it was hard. We started meeting once a year before Christmas in Minnesota and went Christmas shopping together for our kids usually at the Mall of America. The time we had together was priceless! We laughed, we talked for hours on end, it was always a great time.
Speaking of time (see how I transitioned there) it has a way of interfering with even the best of friendships. Over the years as our children grew and our lives became busier with jobs and school and sports, our phone calls became less and less. She isn’t on any social media (shocking I know!) so I can’t keep up that way. We stopped meeting once a year. We stopped sending cards and letters. We stopped exchanging Christmas gifts. Life happened.
Over the years we have still supported each other through good times and bad. Attending graduations, weddings, and then funerals. Her mother died a couple of years ago and I went to the memorial service. This was pre-Covid. Her father died earlier this year and it was a private service. I had the best of intentions to send her a plant and a card. You know where the road of best intentions is paved. For some odd reason mailing things is now a major trigger for me. I still feel horrible about it and have only talked to her briefly since then. It’s one of those stupid triggers for me. There are so many lately.
I’ve called her a couple of times and left a message; she still works outside the home. I haven’t heard back. I don’t blame her. It’s very hard to be friends with someone who has as many “quirks” as I do. I’m a pretty crummy friend to have if you want one who calls you regularly, gets together for lunches or coffee/tea, keeps in touch. Surprisingly I’m not an Introvert, it’s just my anxieties, A.D.D., PTSD, panic attacks all ganging up on me that make me appear to be socially distant. I hate it.
Remember that vet visit the other day for Jazzy’s routine checkup and vaccinations? I almost cancelled it several times that morning. I was in full blown panic mode. Yes, just because I had to take my dog in for a routine checkup. It’s a major trigger for me. My heart rate goes way up, I feel like I can’t breathe, I even broke out with a “stress bump” right in the middle of my forehead for good measure. (Feel free to laugh, I did).
I find it almost impossible to actually call people and I’m not sure why. Often just making that once a week trip into town for groceries and errands seems like an insurmountable task. Thankfully I usually have Jazzy along to keep me company and she can also go along into many of the stores I go to. I wish she were a service dog, she keeps me calmer and my heart rate down.
So to my best friend, SJ, I hope I haven’t made you so irritated at me that it has ruined our long friendship, because that would truly make me sad. I know you put up with a LOT from being friends with me, as have so many other of my dear friends near and far. This is not a blog about excuses, but one of explanations from those of us who suffer with a variety of mental illnesses to those of you who don’t and often have trouble understanding our behavior. We get it. It’s not easy to like us, to deal with us, to have plans cancelled constantly or phone calls go unanswered.
Know that we are trying. We often lose friends, family, even jobs because of our “quirks”. If you are one of my many friends, thank you. Please know that I do think of you often.
And to my best friend, I’m sorry.
Stay safe and be kind to one another.
Until next time. (probably random)
Toni
*PTSD symptoms include reliving a traumatic event over and over through flashbacks, nightmares, or obsessive thinking about the event. People with PTSD might avoid situations that remind them of the event, feel nervous or on edge most of the time, and have negative emotions. Some of these symptoms might sound like PTS; however, the difference is how long the symptoms last and how intense they are. Symptoms of PTSD generally affect a person’s ability to complete activities of daily living.
(Google)
**Many adults with ADHD aren’t aware they have it — they just know that everyday tasks can be a challenge. Adults with ADHD may find it difficult to focus and prioritize, leading to missed deadlines and forgotten meetings or social plans. The inability to control impulses can range from impatience waiting in line or driving in traffic to mood swings and outbursts of anger.
Adult ADHD symptoms may include:
- Impulsiveness
- Disorganization and problems prioritizing
- Poor time management skills
- Problems focusing on a task
- Trouble multitasking
- Excessive activity or restlessness
- Poor planning
- Low frustration tolerance
- Frequent mood swings
- Problems following through and completing tasks
- Hot temper
- Trouble coping with stress
(Mayo Clinic)