Baby steps. Sometimes we all just need to take those tiny steps forward. Carefully, slowly, one at a time baby steps. These are mine right now.
Some time ago I reposted a story on social media about how 1 in 5 people are affected by some form of depression. I put on the post that I am 1 in 5.
I’ve never been afraid to admit or tell people I have depression. I guess I’m lucky that God gave me a “who gives a rip about what others think of me” attitude from the get go. I was never going to win any popularity or beauty contests anyway. I was born with thick skin and I’ve lived with a lot of ups and more downs than many others have, but I’m blessed with less than many more people have had to endure and I thank God for that as well.
You haven’t heard anything from me on my blog since before Christmas. That was five months ago! Time flies when you are depressed and don’t care to do anything.
I’ve had depression since my childhood, was “officially” diagnosed with clinical depression in my early twenties and have been on and off medication since then. For the last seven years I have been off of them. I know when my depression is getting worse, when to reign myself in and be silent and heal. “Be still and know that I am God.” I try to tune in and listen.
I like having my brain be fully aware, pain and all and not feeling a false sense of ok-ness, and that works for me. I know when I can and can’t handle what I’m going through. God has been kind to me in watching over my life, I’m very thankful. He has kept watch in my darkest hours, I am grateful and humbled.
I am not against getting help for depression, please know that, or am I against taking medication for depression and visiting with specialists for it. Been there, done that. It’s just that for me, after all I’ve been through in my life, I find that right now I’m ok with who and how I am. I’m a functioning depressed person and I’m ok with that.
I stepped out of the blog life and the recipe life and the painted rock life for a while because my depression told me I needed a break. On Facebook my main posts were about Jazzy or about ending child abuse, two things I have a passion for, for different reasons. I could feel the dark clouds gathering above me and I had to step away for a while. I had to step away from other projects and groups as well, to rest, to listen, to heal.
Here I am, taking one of those tiny steps back into my before. Before my brain told me things were all dark and gloomy. Before all I wanted to do was sleep so I didn’t have to face the day. Before I failed to find joy even in the best days. I’m working to get back to my life before it caved in to the depression that waits in the corner to pounce. Depression is an old enemy of mine and I know it well.
Mid May is a bad time for me anyway, as it builds up to the day of the 22nd when Torri went home to be with Jesus. To me it seems fitting that the month of May is for National Mental Health Awareness. If ever I needed to be aware of how I am doing emotionally, it is in May.
I’m hoping my next blog post will be lively and humorous and give you all something to smile about. That is always my goal when I write them, to leave people with some joy and laughter in their day. To lighten the mood a bit and make you smile.
Today’s blog is not that. Today I wanted to be honest and truthful with you, to bring some awareness and tell you that I am 1 in 5, and let you know I’m ok.
If you have feelings of depression, know that you are not alone. Know there is help out there for you. Know that it is not a “sadness” that you can shake off and know that it does not make you a weak person. If you need help, please reach out, there are many who can help you.
National Suicide Hotline 800-273-8255
Depression is an illness just like having arthritis or kidney stones. It’s real and there is no “ lack of self control” or “just snap out of it” about it. Just like other illnesses it can be managed with medicines, with visits to a specialist, with other modifications. There is no shame in having depression. Remember 1 in 5 people have some form of it. It can be short term or lifetime. You are not alone.
I’m Toni, and I am 1 in 5.
Until next time.
Toni
Mask up if needed, vaccinate, social distance, be kind.
https://www.nami.org/Get-Involved/Awareness-Events/Mental-Health-Awareness-Month