Toni L Arends

To My Best Friend

I will never be a great blogger, because if you haven’t noticed already, I’m very inconsistent. Bloggers need to put out their blog on an expected timeline, every week, or once a month, but something that their readers can follow and rely on. That’s not me.

I try. I have reminders set on my phone, reminders that pop up on my phone calendar, but I just ignore them like so many other things in my life now. Part of this has to do with my diagnosed PTSD* which is now my “best buddy” that I’d like to chuck off a bridge. Part of it comes from anxiety and panic attacks. Part of it comes from A.D.D. (or ADHD)** I’ve also had depression since my teens, so that tops it all off. I guess I truly am a bag of mixed nuts!

No matter what causes it, I know I’m not good at being consistent. Sadly, this also applies to my friends and especially my best friend. According to Facebook I have over 400 friends. I’m flattered to think I have that many, which is a low number for most people, but I’m not sure I actually know all of them.

I do appreciate that smaller group of “real” friends who take the time to like a photo I’ve put up or comment on something Jazzy has done. Those who actually take the time to pray for me when I’ve asked, or wish me a Happy Birthday. Those who offer hugs and prayers this time of year as Torri’s birthday approaches or when the day we lost her is here. I appreciate each and every one of you.

That brings me to my best friend. I’ve known her for over 40 years. We met right after Torri was born. She babysat for a nurse at Grundy Hospital who told her a lady had a baby girl and named her Torri. Why? Because she had a little boy named Tory. Not a name many children have, so it was a unique coincidence. After that she started a Coupon Club, something that was big in the 80’s. I went to a meeting and the rest as they say is history.

She learned I was that mom with the daughter named Torri and I met her son Tory. We hit it off immediately. We talked on the phone almost every day (back before cell phones) and got together whenever we could, she with 3 sons, me with 2 boys and 2 girls.

Then she moved out of state. Her husband got a much better job in Wisconsin and so my best friend moved away. We still talked on the phone and wrote each other letters (something people don’t do much today) but it was hard. We started meeting once a year before Christmas in Minnesota and went Christmas shopping together for our kids usually at the Mall of America. The time we had together was priceless! We laughed, we talked for hours on end, it was always a great time.

Speaking of time (see how I transitioned there) it has a way of interfering with even the best of friendships. Over the years as our children grew and our lives became busier with jobs and school and sports, our phone calls became less and less. She isn’t on any social media (shocking I know!) so I can’t keep up that way. We stopped meeting once a year. We stopped sending cards and letters. We stopped exchanging Christmas gifts. Life happened.

Over the years we have still supported each other through good times and bad. Attending graduations, weddings, and then funerals. Her mother died a couple of years ago and I went to the memorial service. This was pre-Covid. Her father died earlier this year and it was a private service. I had the best of intentions to send her a plant and a card. You know where the road of best intentions is paved. For some odd reason mailing things is now a major trigger for me. I still feel horrible about it and have only talked to her briefly since then. It’s one of those stupid triggers for me. There are so many lately.

I’ve called her a couple of times and left a message; she still works outside the home. I haven’t heard back. I don’t blame her. It’s very hard to be friends with someone who has as many “quirks” as I do. I’m a pretty crummy friend to have if you want one who calls you regularly, gets together for lunches or coffee/tea, keeps in touch. Surprisingly I’m not an Introvert, it’s just my anxieties, A.D.D., PTSD, panic attacks all ganging up on me that make me appear to be socially distant. I hate it.

Remember that vet visit the other day for Jazzy’s routine checkup and vaccinations? I almost cancelled it several times that morning. I was in full blown panic mode. Yes, just because I had to take my dog in for a routine checkup. It’s a major trigger for me. My heart rate goes way up, I feel like I can’t breathe, I even broke out with a “stress bump” right in the middle of my forehead for good measure. (Feel free to laugh, I did).

I find it almost impossible to actually call people and I’m not sure why. Often just making that once a week trip into town for groceries and errands seems like an insurmountable task. Thankfully I usually have Jazzy along to keep me company and she can also go along into many of the stores I go to. I wish she were a service dog, she keeps me calmer and my heart rate down.

So to my best friend, SJ, I hope I haven’t made you so irritated at me that it has ruined our long friendship, because that would truly make me sad. I know you put up with a LOT from being friends with me, as have so many other of my dear friends near and far. This is not a blog about excuses, but one of explanations from those of us who suffer with a variety of mental illnesses to those of you who don’t and often have trouble understanding our behavior. We get it. It’s not easy to like us, to deal with us, to have plans cancelled constantly or phone calls go unanswered.

Know that we are trying. We often lose friends, family, even jobs because of our “quirks”. If you are one of my many friends, thank you. Please know that I do think of you often.

And to my best friend, I’m sorry.

Stay safe and be kind to one another.

Until next time. (probably random)

Toni

*PTSD symptoms include reliving a traumatic event over and over through flashbacks, nightmares, or obsessive thinking about the event. People with PTSD might avoid situations that remind them of the event, feel nervous or on edge most of the time, and have negative emotions. Some of these symptoms might sound like PTS; however, the difference is how long the symptoms last and how intense they are. Symptoms of PTSD generally affect a person’s ability to complete activities of daily living.

(Google)

**Many adults with ADHD aren’t aware they have it — they just know that everyday tasks can be a challenge. Adults with ADHD may find it difficult to focus and prioritize, leading to missed deadlines and forgotten meetings or social plans. The inability to control impulses can range from impatience waiting in line or driving in traffic to mood swings and outbursts of anger.

Adult ADHD symptoms may include:

Impulsiveness
Disorganization and problems prioritizing
Poor time management skills
Problems focusing on a task
Trouble multitasking
Excessive activity or restlessness
Poor planning
Low frustration tolerance
Frequent mood swings
Problems following through and completing tasks
Hot temper
Trouble coping with stress

(Mayo Clinic)

Easter is Hard Sometimes

Easter has always been one of my favorite holidays because it’s the day we celebrate Jesus’ sacrifice for us so that we may have eternal life. He conquered death for us. He took our sins on Him, so that we may live.

It’s also a very difficult holiday for me now. Easter was Torri’s favorite holiday. Torri wrote the blog post below about Good Friday. It’s hard for me to read, because now, almost 6 years later, we know what the results were. We know all the trials she went through, the surgeries, the pain and finally losing her in May of 2015.

But while it’s hard on me, I love her words of courage and faith. I hope they will bring comfort to others, to let them know that no matter what we face, God is always with us. That His plans for us are perfect even if we can’t see that. That in the very end of all things, all will be right.

I may not be able to put up all the Easter decorations that I used to or go all out in celebrating, but in my heart I am still glad of Easter and the message of love, eternity and hope that it carries. God loves us unconditionally and sacrificed His only son for us. That’s amazing love. May this message and the joy of Easter bless you and yours. Happy Easter.

(Photos are from 2013 from Torri’s blogs – http://wekeepitsunny.blogspot.com/2013/03/surrendering-on-good-friday.html)

Until next time…

Mask up, social distance, be kind.

Toni

Torri’s photo of a cross her and Willie made and put on their front window for Easter 2013.

FRIDAY, MARCH 29, 2013

Surrendering on Good Friday by Torri Arends Hennig

Today is Good Friday. I woke up to this sunny, beautiful morning!

But, I didn’t sleep well last night. I haven’t all week. I’ve been doing a lot of thinking, praying, stressing, praying, thinking. On Wednesday afternoon, we received the results from my 3 month check up with the gyn/oncologist. The tests I had on Tuesday revealed some abnormal cells. The nurse stressed, “don’t worry, it’s not cancer”… they’re just abnormal. The oncologist wants to see me again in 3 weeks.

My initial reaction was: of course, it’s happening again, here we go. Ever since my initial cancer diagnoses 2 years ago, I’ve been waiting for this bad news. I have had good results every 3 months for 2 years. Every time it seems almost too good to be true. Could this nightmare really be over? A thing of the past? But then here’s that pessimistic whisper in the back of my head, saying, just wait for it. It will come back to haunt you.

My second reaction was to lay on the kitchen floor and cry. I can’t do this again, not again. It’s going to ruin all our plans. This is it, this is my story, the end of me. I was finally beginning to feel like I could breathe again, and now this. Back to square one…I just can’t…

But, I have to get up. How? Willie just woke up from his nap, he needs me. How? I can’t even move. I’ve got to stand up. I’ve go to live my life. How?

Like a zombie? That’s what I felt like Wednesday. I got up and I went through the motions. My mind was everywhere else…from my best case scenario to my worst case scenario and everything in between. Worrying, stressing, crying. Wondering about the Hows. And then I opened my email.

There in a daily devotional, was my answer. I can do this through Christ. That’s How. We can do all things through Him, who gives us strength. I must surrender myself. Like really, really do it this time. Finally, do it. It’s easy to say “I’ve surrendered”. It’s even easier to have the intentions of surrendering…down the road…when I’m not trying to get done what I want to get done in this life first. But, now here it is…looking right back at me. Saying, this is the answer, this is the time. It’s not on our terms.

And, that’s the hard part. It’s not on our terms. It’s on God’s terms. Does that mean everything will be ok? Essentially, yes, that’s exactly what it means. But…on my terms…everything being ok means that I’m healthy, that our family grows, and that this family remains together and that we are all healthy and safe. So, is this what God has in store for me and for us? I don’t know. Here is where faith steps in….or should I say barges in. When a regular afternoon turns into sobbing on the kitchen floor, there’s only one thing that can help you get back up. Faith. Faith in knowing that everything will be ok. It will. In the end, everything will fall into place and work perfectly. This may mean I get sick again, it may mean any number of other diseases or worldly disasters. But, there is a plan. And, I have faith in that.

There was a little prayer in this devotional email from Wednesday. After I read it, it’s all I could think about. I need to surrender my life to God. For real this time. If it is His will, let me be healed…but if not, then I am part of a bigger plan, and I am ok with that. This little idea (or huge really) had me laying awake at night. It’s a hard thing to think about and a hard thing to say out loud. But, the idea of saying it…or praying it…made me feel at peace…not so worried about the future. Because, in the end, it will be ok.

The devotional said: “Father, if this problem, pain, sickness, or circumstance is needed to fulfill your purpose and glory in my life or in another’s life, please don’t take it away!”

Wow. I get it. I’ve been praying and begging all this time, “heal me, heal me, heal me”. But, there’s so much more than that! It shot straight to my core, I finally get it. So, I carried this prayer around in my pocket for 3 days. Literally. I left the email open on my phone and looked at it from time to time. The original message was about Jesus and the great sacrifice on the cross. Even though Jesus got scared, in the end, He gave himself for us. And, that’s the most important lesson of all.

So, on this beautiful morning, I did it. I spent my time on my knees, as the warm sunshine fell in through the window, while Willie slept peacefully in bed and Brad was on his way to work. God and I had a little chat. And, I’m not gonna say that I’m not scared and that I don’t wonder what the future holds, what I will find out from the oncologist in 3 weeks. But, I will say that I’m ok. I’m really ok now.

(The original devotional can be found here at PurposeDriven)

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Boxing Up Valentine’s Day

I was a child in the 1960’s, (yes, I’m a dreaded Boomer)when things were simpler, or so it seems to me now. I suppose every generation thinks the same of their childhood. I’m sure some day some aging adult will look back at this decade and think, “wow, remember when we had cellphones! Like you actually had to hold this little device in your hand to call someone! Crazy!” Everything changes over time.

School seems like it was much simpler back in the 60’s to me as well, but again it’s all in your own perspective. We didn’t have computers to learn on, the playground toys were not as elaborate as the ones today. No one had figured out back then that merry-go-rounds, swinging gates and monkey bars were probably dangerous for small children to be playing on. Remember this was also a time when there were no seat belts in cars let alone car seats. Apparently children were more expendable back then.

One thing that hasn’t changed is some school traditions for children. Kids still bring birthday treats to school, they still have Christmas programs although I believe most now call them Winter programs, and they still have Valentine’s Day parties.

Valentine’s Day parties means you have to make a Valentine card box so all the kids in your class can deposit a card for you in it and hopefully there will be a sucker, some chocolate or other treat attached to that card. It also meant some of the mom’s would send along cupcakes and cookies for the class party and it was a wonderful day all around.

As a child I remember having to find a shoe box to decorate for Valentine’s day. First you would cut a slit in the lid of the box for other kids to drop your cards in. This is an important first step and one I often forgot. Then wrapping the box in aluminum foil to cover it, (we always had limited colored paper at home) I always liked the shine of aluminum foil anyway. Next cutting out pink, white and red hearts to glue all over my shoe box for the finishing touches! In a good year there may even be some glitter in the house that you could really bedazzle your box with. The box was all ready to go!

Later when I became the mother of four, I remember almost dreading Valentine’s Day! I had to help my four children at one time or another each construct a Valentine’s Day box. Boxes then were still fairly simple and still usually started with a shoe box, but the designs were beginning to be more complex. Kids wanted the box to actually “look” like something, not just be decorated. Usually it was still simple, a robot, a house, a castle, (toilet paper rolls were used with the shoe box) but it tested my skills as a mom. There were always those over achiever moms that sent their child to school with a masterpiece.

I also dreaded being on the list for sending class treats that day. My kids usually brought store bought cookies to school for their birthday treats, so on Valentine’s day it was usually store purchased cupcakes because we all know I can’t bake. It’s not a good look for a mom or her child to send store bought anything to school. People wrongly assume every mom is a baker. I’m sure other mom’s were judging me.

Today, I watch as my grandchildren make Valentine’s day boxes for their classroom parties. Ok, I watch as my children make them for their children, lets be honest. I’m proud of their skills and imagination, (my kids). I’ve also seen some young mom’s I know post photos on social media of some pretty amazing Valentine’s boxes they made for their little ones. I’m impressed with you over achievers. You’ve really taken Valentine’s day boxes to a new level! Now they are animals and characters and feats of design and engineering I could only imagine. Where do you get all that energy!

My heart, however, goes out to all of you mom’s who, like me, just have enough creativity in you to find a box, some colored paper, some glue and maybe a printed out design or two and help your child mash it all together so they have a box to take to school for the party. Kudos! I love you all!

Here is to all of the parents this week who have labored and cut, designed and glued, paper machéd and colored some type of Valentine day box for your children so they could have the same joy you did as a child of opening it up and discovering all the little cards and candies. Hopefully most of the cards have a treat taped on them, as we all know Valentine’s Day is really just about the chocolates.

Until next time!

Stay safe, wear a mask, social distance, BE KIND!

Toni

Dumpster Fire Kind of Day

There are those days when you can tell pretty early on that things are not going to bode well for you. Today was that kind of a day for me. It started with little indicators that had I been paying attention I should have been more prepared for what was to happen later in the day.

First as I was getting ready to go to town, I almost forgot to grab the three rocks a dear friend of mine had purchased and I was to meet her at my grocery pick up stop later that morning. I had given them one final quick spray early that morning and had nearly left them sitting out in the garage drying. That would have been great, her pulling up to meet me and me realizing her rocks were still sitting at home!

As it was, I did remember. However, what I failed to do apparently was actually submit my grocery order the night before. Each week I submit all my boxed, canned and paper goods to Wally World for contactless pick up. I basically order the same things every week, so it saves me a lot of time and I’m not risking undo contact in this covid environment we still live in. I go onto their app on Tuesday and place my order for pickup on Wednesday. It normally works like a charm. Not today. I had gone in and placed my order, chose a time to pick it up BUT apparently I neglected to hit some pesky submit key that is vital in actually placing your order.

If you guessed on my Facebook post that we were heading to town, you were right! Poor Llama Drama.

I first became aware of it on my drive to Cedar Falls, noticing I hadn’t gotten any text message notice on my phone to let me know that they had my order ready for me. When I got to Wally World I stopped in the parking lot to check and see if I had any emails about my order. None. I called my bank to see if they had taken out a payment for said store, nope. So there I was with no order to pick up.

I met my friend and gave her the rocks she had purchased and explained to her what I did. We had a good chuckle and then as she got her grocery order pickup because she had done it correctly, I went and parked and had to take my list inside and pick my own groceries. It didn’t take long because I just went off of their app of the items I wanted, deleting them as I went.

I came out to the parking lot, loaded my groceries in the back, Jazzy watching me from the second row of seats, and walked 2 cars over to place my shopping cart in the cart rack like a normal person. (They don’t do this in Florida, they just abandon the carts all over the parking lots, I’ve seen this for myself.)

I walked back over to my car, and the car doors were all locked. Did I mention Jazzy was inside? Let me state that normally I keep my purse with me while returning the cart, but today, since the cart rack was practically next to my car, I tossed my purse inside the front seat, and thought it would be fine. It was not fine. Jazzy had decided to hop into the front seat, the better to watch what mom was doing, and stood on the lock button by placing her front paws on the door rest. Yup, my own dog locked me out of my car. Let me also state that whoever designed those lock buttons on door rests has clearly never owned a pet.

This is a “reenactment” since my phone was also in the car with Jazzy. She was waiting for me to get in!

I always leave my front two windows cracked open just a bit so Jazzy can have fresh air and enjoy the smells around her, unless it’s really freezing out. Shar-pei, at least the brush and bear coat variety, love cold weather. Most Shar-pei hate the heat, so on a nice winter day like today, the windows were down just a bit. Not enough to reach my big man hands through and hit the unlock button, but enough that if I had some long stick I could possibly pop it open. I checked the ground around where I was parked (near a tree) and no sticks, just several masks, cigarette butts and a smashed pop can. Why are people so gross?

There was an employee at a cart rack just across from me, so I went and explained my “situation” to him and asked if they might have anything in the store, like a dowel stick or something long and straight that I might use. He got on his radio and asked and the person in the store answered with a resounding NO and they can’t help because if they break something and liability, and blah, blah, blah. I get that, and again I said that I did not expect them to do anything, I was just looking for something I might use. Thanks for being helpful.

I walked back to my car and was trying to coax Jazzy to again step up on my door handle and perhaps unlock the doors, but she was confused and was sitting on the opposite seat waiting for me to get in the car. The bad thing about dogs is they don’t understand your full conversation, or at least they act like they don’t.

Luckily, there had been a very nice lady nearby putting her groceries into her car, which was unlocked by the way, and she came over and said she thought she had a long handled window scraper if I’d like to try to use that. Thank goodness for the kindness of strangers.

Now you might think that was the conclusion to this story, that I was able to use her ice scraper and pop the lock. You would be wrong. What really happened was even better. As the lady approached my car to let me know she may be able to help me out, Jazzy jumped up into the seat, and put her front paws back onto the door rest to see who this person approaching was and CLICK she unlocked the car just like she had locked it!

Back in the car again we headed to the pet store for dog food and home! Such an innocent face.

The lady and I both had a good laugh and I told her she must have good luck! I was so happy to be back in my car, I even gave Jazzy a treat for being a good girl and bought her a new little ducky toy at the pet store. After all it was my fault for tossing my purse on the seat in the first place!

After my heart calmed down, we finished up in town and headed back home. My car made some weird lurches and noises on the way home and I was really shocked it didn’t break down along the way, but we arrived home safely. I will freely admit that after getting all the groceries put away and Jazzy and I both fed lunch, I took a nap and put the adventures far behind us.

Until next time!

Stay safe, BE KIND, wear a mask and social distance!

We got this!

Toni