Category: Humor

Lets face it, so far 2020 stinks. We just barely got into the new year and we started hearing rumors of some new virus thing on the other side of the planet. No need for us to worry, or so we thought.

Now here we are three months in and most of us have been faithfully sheltering in our homes for the past several weeks, cutting ourselves off from human to human contact as best we can and trying to survive the toilet paper wars.

Shopping trips have now become covert missions that have planning strategies and special equipment involved. You have to be up at the crack of dawn, load up on hand sanitizer and maybe a face mask, disposable gloves and disinfectant wipes. You are now ready to go to the grocery store.

Best strategy is to shop online and go to a store that brings the groceries out to you so that you don’t have to step out of the safety of your car which is now more like your bubble of immunity outside of your house. If you were smart you checked the online groups for sightings of toilet paper nearby and hope that there is still some left when you arrive.

When you get home, depending on which how-to video you’ve watched, you unpack and sanitize each grocery item before putting it away, or you leave all non-perishable items sitting in your garage for a week, saying a silent prayer over each one that it is not the one with the virus stuck on it because you are not sure of your techniques.

That done you toss your disposable gloves, ok who are we kidding, you toss the two dog poop bags you’ve been using as disposable gloves into the garbage, strip out of your town clothes and toss them directly into the washing machine and then go take a twenty minute shower singing happy birthday forty times to make sure you’ve washed properly for this virus. I call this the Howard Hughes phase of shopping.

Now that you are back safely in your house, doors locked in case some crazy relative just decides to pop in to see how you are doing, it’s time to chose what to do today. Let’s see, you’ve watch all ninety seasons of Lost, you’ve knit five more scarves, ok you only knit one more because you are really, really slow. You finished reading that huge Stephen King novel and you have actually listened to most of the audible books in your collection, so that subscription is finally paying off.

If you are like me you are already bored with all of the apps and games on your iPad or tablet and the new ones look incredibly boring or too complicated. You’ve also already beat the computer numerous times in games of Monopoly and Solitaire. Alexa is starting to get on your nerves because she isn’t following your instructions so you find yourself yelling at her as if that will help. Solitude can do strange things.

It was nearly sixty degrees out the other day and so I ventured outdoors to see what I could do out there. I have this little tiny rake, I’m not sure what it’s true purpose is or why I bought it, but I don’t have a normal sized leaf rake. I have a garden rake which doesn’t work well for leaves, I don’t know why I have that either as I don’t garden. I took my tiny rake and tried to rake the leftover leaves out from around all the plants in the front of the house, I had fair success.

Then I walked around the yard and picked up all the big sticks that had blown out of the trees the last several wind storms and put them into a big pile. I was already winded from too much activity but was determined to make a day of it. I decided to follow my daughters idea and walked out into the field and looked for pieces of corn that I could leave out for our squirrels. I only found four and walked about an eighth of a mile and back but I felt accomplished none the less.

I reclined on my lawn chair for a bit but it isn’t satisfying. I miss my hammock! If we do get money from the government for economic relief during this pandemic, I am buying a new pad for my hammock stand! I have my priorities after all.

The sun was getting too hot, yes, sixty degrees is hot for me, so I went back indoors. No sense overdoing it on the first sunny day. I looked around the living room for something to do that did not involve the TV. If I were the ambitious type I could tackle my living room closet where I store all of my seasonal decorations. It has become a giant disaster with holidays dripping all over the place. I opened the door, looked inside, shut the door. Too much trauma for me.

I’ve already rearranged my living room, so what other room could I tackle? The dining room and kitchen have no options. Same with the laundry room. We had already updated the den aka grandpa’s room. That left the guest bedroom, which is also the grandkids toy room. I stood in the doorway and looked at it for ten minutes.

To move anything was going to require a lot of removing things first. Then there is the whole plug outlet situation, and the TV dish cord is in one corner so the TV is stuck there. There are shelving units with the kids toy bins, a big sized kids kitchen set, a bookshelf loaded with kids books, my desk and a bed, and a unit with my clothes. We are talking a twelve by twelve bedroom, with each wall lined with some type of unit of something. I turned and walked away. Best not to poke the giant.

A thought of trying to bake some homemade bread flashed briefly across my brain. Who was I kidding. I folded all of the blankets on the couch and arranged all of the pillows. I almost went and got the vacuum cleaner, but that idea went away quickly as well. I spied the extra Wemo plug that had been sitting on my roll top desk in the living room and had a clear vision of what to do.

I have a large round fan that sits in my living room and is plugged into the outlet that works off of the light switch. There are two such outlets in the living room so when you click the light switch on, a light on my desk turns on and the fan turns on. I picked the Wemo plug up (it works with Alexa or by an app to remotely control things plugged into it) and plugged it into the wall behind the couch sectional that was to the left of me. Then I plugged the fan into it positioning it to perfectly blow a nice breeze on me. After several minutes of trying to remember how to program the plug, I finally got it.

Life is good for now. It’s often measured in the small things. I no longer have to get up and flip a light switch to turn my fan on or off. Now I can remain seated in my favorite spot on the couch, watching all six seasons of Schitts Creek for the tenth time and just say “Alexa, turn on living room fan”. Covid lemonade.

Please stay home and stay safe.

Until next time…

Toni

LONG before social distancing was a thing, Jay and I have been practicing this at home for thirty some years. Mind you, we have been married for forty-three and produced four children, so you can toss out the first few years. The past few decades however, we have this stuff down to perfection.

I should have known what I was getting myself into when marrying a man whose heritage is 100% German. Germans are not well known for their love and compassion. They are not known for hugging and displays of affection. They are known for being perfectionists, precise, direct, having a dark sense of humor, being distant and apparently are good bread bakers as well as beer drinkers.* Jay has all these qualities covered except the last two. We leave the bread baking to our son Jason. (* Source: Google)

There were a few hints along our dating journey that should have stuck out for me, like he didn’t like to hold hands, no PDF (public displays of affection) and we were engaged for three years because he apparently wasn’t in a hurry, or was he just social distancing back then?

I, on the other hand, am affectionate and a hugger. When I meet people for the first time I always find myself touching their arm or shoulder, I don’t even realize I do it, so as to make that human contact. If I know you, I am going to hug you, I may hug you if I don’t.

My heritage is a mixed bag like most Americans. I am Scottish, Irish, German (dad’s side) Norwegian and Danish (mom’s side). As you can see, there were lots of genetic chances in there to be a good baker, again, I am not as you well know. I’m not sure where the hugging came from but it’s always been that way.

It’s very true in our case that opposites attracted, more like collided. He is a perfectionist and I’m sure that’s what makes him such a great carpenter. I am not. I can toss things together without a care whether I am cooking, trying to knit or sew, or baking – again, why I am not a good baker.

My mom was a great baker, seamstress and knitter. She baked cakes and sewed clothing for people in my town as a hobby while working full time. I didn’t inherit her sewing or knitting skills either. When I was in junior high we had to take a sewing class and a cooking class. My mom used to leave the room when I would be laying out the pattern on my material because I’m sure it drove her crazy. I would just pin pieces here and there, not worrying about trying to make the most out of my material space. I believe I got a D- in that class. I never attempted cooking at home back then, like today, I don’t enjoy it and I’m pretty sure I got a D in that class, or it may have been an F.

Back to social distancing. So, I snore. Loudly. At least that’s what my husband, children, and grandchildren have all told me, but I’m still skeptical. What does snoring have to do with social distancing you ask? Let me tell you a short tale.

After giving birth to my last baby, I had a back problem. I started sleeping downstairs on our couch with baby #4 nearby in her crib when she wasn’t laying on me. The couch gave me great back support and I slept somewhat better.

When Brittney (aka #4) was older and could sleep upstairs, I continued to sleep on the couch for comfort. Back then I used to sleep fairly sound. Late one night I had awakened around 3 a.m. and a white orb of light went floating past me. For real. I will take a lie detector test on this, I am not making this up. Needless to say I slept with the lights on for YEARS after that, and continued to wake around 3. That story, by the way, is for another day.

After many years of sleeping on the couch, I mentioned to my family I might try sleeping in our bedroom again to which there was a strong suggestion that I snored very loudly and everyone upstairs could hear me. Perhaps my staying downstairs was for the better of all in the house, “The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few, or the one.” (Ghost’s opinion not included). The dogs and I continued to sleep downstairs, lights on. Social distancing had begun.

Another thing that is the opposite with Jay and I is what we like to watch on TV. I love movies, I love comedy and drama, action, sci-fi and mystery. Jay likes sports, news, old rock bands and reality TV that involves singing or talent. When we were first married and before DVR’s and DHS tape recorders were invented, we shared a single TV. He would watch TV and I would read a book in the same room until he went to bed. Then if there was something on late at night, I’d watch it. Remember we only had about four channels to choose from as well, so often it was disappointing.

Then the era came of being able to record a show on TV and watch it later. I got into the habit of watching recorded shows late at night, a habit I still have. To this day I DVR every single program and either read, knit or write in the evening until late and then I watch my DVR’d programs, and bonus, I can skip all commercials.

Since our first house, we acquired a second TV, four children and a second room to put it in that became the “family room” or “den” or as the grandkids call it – grandpa’s room. In the house we currently live in he has his den room and I have the living room. We each watch our own TV shows and enjoy our separate bedrooms although I am still pretty much a couch sleeper. More social distancing, we got this!

If you’d ask our children, they will confirm that we have been happily practicing social distancing for decades. I credit part of the reason we’ve been married for so long is due to our social distancing. The only time we are in the same place is at the supper table or in the car and then we practice not talking as per Jay’s German heritage not mine, so again, keeping a social distance through language.

Luckily, I have two dogs at home who entertain me and tolerate me hugging them and lavishing attention on them. Ok, Kutter, aka Mr. Kuddles, loves it. Jazzy will tolerate it on her own terms similar to a cat. Forget hugging Jay! My son Josh sent us a picture that had “Kiss me I’m Irish” all crossed out and instead it said, “Don’t touch me, I’m German”. Perfect. Jay needs that t-shirt. My kids and most of my grandkids are huggers too, a little German heritage snuck into a couple of them.

Jay and I have had this social distancing stuff down to an art for at least three decades. If you need any tips or advice on social distancing, I’d tell you to ask Jay the expert, but he’s not going to answer you. He doesn’t even answer his cell phone if I call him. I’m so thankful every day that I married a 100% German.

Until next time…

Stay home, keep your distance.

Toni

This COVID-19 virus has everyone locked down at home. Right now no one knows for how long – weeks, months? With all of this hand washing and social distancing I am beginning to feel like Howard Huges (if you are young you may have to Google him). So what to do with all that time alone?

Most people hate being stuck at home. They don’t know what to do or how to entertain themselves for that long without any real social contact. Not me, I was born for this.

This is the kind of situation people like me tend to flourish at. While I am a very extroverted person when I am in a public or in a social situation, my heart has always been that of a hermit or a loner if you will. Shocking, I know!

I love my own company. I can entertain myself endlessly with no one else around. I actually enjoy being alone, all by myself with no other interaction. I’m sure there is some social scale that would tell me what my personality is, but I don’t know those statistics. I just know I’m ok with solitude. I love it!

I’m sure it seems at odds to be so outgoing in the public but when at home or when I can, I love being alone. The only thing I miss is being around my children and grandchildren right now as they are helping me stay safe by not coming by to visit. There are several modern ways to communicate via video chats that help, but a hug from a grandchild is a special tug at the heart that can’t be replaced electronically. I truly miss that!

Having two dogs follow me around all day also help entertain me. Kutter, like me, loves to nap, so we are nap buddies. Jazzy keeps us both on our toes with her antics and wanting to play, so I get my workout chasing after her and throwing her ball or toys for her to fetch. She’s still working on the “drop” command part. They both miss our weekly trips to town for groceries, but we are all getting a lot of outdoors time to make up for it.

I’m an avid TV watcher, movie watcher, so I can literally waste days in the vast caverns of television. I’m not even picky about shows that are in black and white as I grew up with those after all. I can flip between comedy and mystery, action and drama, just not love stories, they’ve never been my “thing”. I’m watching past favorite TV series right now from beginning to end. I’m currently watching Sleepy Hollow in case you were curious.

I also love to read, so I either have a book in hand or I’m listening to books, either way I’m happy. I’ve been into biographies lately, not sure why. Stephen King and others like him are still at the top of my lists, as are mysteries, Martha Grimes is my top author there. Currently I’m listening to The Institute by Stephen King. Next up is The Radium Girls by Kate Moore, a dear friend of mine recommended it. Thanks Sue!

As you know from previous blogs, I won’t be spending my time at home baking and I’m trying not to do too much cooking either, just enough to keep us fed and Jay not complaining too much. I like to make soups, the meal that keeps on giving. One huge pot of chili can give us meals for a week or two. Microwave a bowl full, that’s my idea of cooking.

I started at the beginning of winter (yes, I said winter) by knitting scarves to hang on parking meters for those without one. I got one and a half done. Perhaps I can get a couple more completed while on this lock down. I never said I was a speedy knitter, or an accomplished one. After years of knitting I am still best at rectangles and squares.

I try to do some writing every day but some days my creative genes seem to be aging as fast as my blue jeans. I could try my hand at art again, although I’m not nearly as talented as my children. Somewhere in my bedroom, the one that has become more of a giant closet over the years, there are some markers, pencils and paints. I should work on digging those out and see what happens.

This could also be a great time to do some deep cleaning and try to get rid of some more things that are just taking up space. The closet where all my holiday decorations are has become a giant disaster ready to burst at the seams. The kitchen could always do with some once overs, but I don’t want to get too crazy about this, Jay might begin to wonder about my sanity.

If it ever warms up, this being Iowa that could take several months yet, I might start a daily walking routing around my driveway and work my way up to my bicycle, providing my tires are still functioning. I don’t have to worry about neighbors prying, as they are a quarter of a mile away at the closest. If I could ever get Jazzy to learn to heal, she might enjoy walking with me. Right now it’s a game of tug of war with her.

Being a temporary hermit for me is not a bad thing. I’m enjoying my self quarantined status, trying to stay calm and safe. I’m continuing with my writing and perhaps art. Avoiding the temptation to become a “baker” and a “cook” and staying true to myself as a TV loving ne’ar-do-well. I’m listening to several of my favorite pastors online and I’m putting faith before fear, and I hope you are too.

Stay home, stay safe, be well.

Until next time….

Toni

Ah Spring. Just saying your name is like a golden promise rolling off the tongue. You give us Iowans such joy, such hope. You are that lifeline cast down from Heaven saying “here you go Iowa, all is not lost.”

If you have never wintered in Iowa then you have no idea how much spring means to most of us. Don’t get me wrong, I actually love winter. However, an Iowa winter can mean almost half a year of icy cold air, snow, freezing rain, strong winds coming down from Canada, or a mixture of everything in one day. Our winter season can start as early as late October and run all the way to the end of March with many cold, sunless days in between. Humans can only stand so much.

Just when you wonder if your body temperature will ever be above thirty-four degrees again, and the air temperature above zero, along comes a forty degree sunny day to say “fear not, spring cometh soon!”

Next the Robins begin to appear on your lawn and that doesn’t mean we won’t have more snow and cold or even a March blizzard, but it does mean hope. Robins are smart birds who only migrate back to Iowa when they know spring is coming.

Another sure sign is if you own a dog who is of a breed that sheds it’s winter fur, you have a sign of spring all over your house, all over your car, all over your clothes. Huskies are one and my Shar-pei Jazzy is another one, who blow their winter coats. It is an ongoing process of brushing them outdoors and vacuuming up after them indoors that can last for weeks.

It means that for weeks all of your clothes have lots of dog fur on them, I call it a pet fashion statement. I toss all the discarded fur outside in a spot that the birds can pick up and use if they’d like to. Nothing better than a warm furry nest in early spring to keep my feathered friends toasty.

Groundhog day is supposed to tell us if it will be a long winter or a short one and if spring is close. I don’t believe that the weather in Iowa ever listens to groundhogs. Iowa winters tend to be at least five months long leaving spring and fall with about a month and a half each and summer gets all the rest. I hate summer by the way. If we could just have winter, spring and fall I’d be a happy camper. If summer would never rise above seventy-two degrees, then I’d be cool with summer as well.

Iowa summers are like Iowa winters in reverse. In the winter we may have minus thirty degrees with twenty mile an hour winds giving us some ridiculous wind chill that takes a mathematician to figure out. In the summer we may have ninety degrees above zero with one hundred percent humidity giving us a ridiculous heat index that also requires a mathematician. It’s absurd.

In the winter it’s wind chills, freezing rain,snow and blizzards. In the summer it’s heat, rain, humidity and tornadoes. So really fall and spring are the only two decent seasons in Iowa and some years they only last a week or two despite what the calendar may say.

Winter is also a time of what we call “dry heat” or “dry air” which leads to constant static electricity. Your hair is flying all over, your clothes are clinging, you get shocks every time you touch anything. In the summer it’s the opposite, too much humidity means everything feels damp, your hair curls into little ringlets, water runs off of you constantly even when you are sitting still.

Each year I hope for a long spring season, the birds all arrive back from wherever they waited out winter, new nests are being built, animals and little creatures everywhere are making new families. It’s a time of renewal and hope and new beginnings. The sun is warmer, the winds are often kinder and gentler, the rains are refreshing and not life threatening storms. Welcome spring, we’ve missed you!

Until next time…

Toni

Recently on social media there have been a variety of lists posted that basically ask to see if you are as picky about foods as they are. The lists include things like Sushi, black jelly beans, cabbage, sardines, mushrooms, green and black olives, the list goes on and on.

I looked at a couple of lists and realized my husband aka “Mr. Romance” is also “Mr. Picky Eater”, it would appear I got the two for one bonus! On one list there were only two things on it that my husband would eat and one was black jelly beans.

Cooking for a picky eater can be one of the biggest challenges in a long marriage because the list of foods you can prepare is so small and after forty-three years of cooking about five different meals, one tends to get bored, aka insane.

Here is the basic menu I have had to work off of for all of those years: beef, chicken, pork, potatoes, and corn. That’s it. If you want to count pork ‘n beans as a vegetable then there are two he likes. Oh wait, I left out canned peas. The list of foods he’s never tasted is far longer than the list of foods he will eat. Lettuce, cabbage, any casserole, lasagna, any Mexican, Chinese, basically most foods.

This is a man who grew up on a farm, whose parents had a garden every year, who is a part time farmer himself, and this is how limited his food group is! It boggles my mind. Until we were married he had never had a grilled cheese sandwich. His mother, bless her, made meat and potatoes all the time. Obviously they never made him sit at the table until he ate his vegetables.

I grew up in a house with six kids and two working parents. If my mom could throw things together in a casserole dish and serve it, that’s what we got. There are not too many things I won’t eat, mushrooms being one, seafood being another (unless you count frozen or fast food fish then I’m good) and sushi being the last. Other than that, I will at least try most foods. I’ve tried kimchi, seaweed, candied ginger, stroopwaffles, most of this was from our foreign exchange students. Stroopwaffles were the only favorite.

Each week I have to rotate the same menu items to accommodate the picky eater. We have chili, spaghetti, pizza, meat and potatoes, rice and potato soup or hamburgers. That’s about it. I’ve done this for FORTY-THREE years. That is over 15,700 meals I’ve prepared of the same five things! Let that sink in.

If I want to eat something like a casserole or lasagna or tacos, I have to make myself a separate meal, or make it for myself at lunch. If you know how much I “love” to cook, you know I don’t often choose those options. So my foods have become limited by default of being married to a picky eater. My life as a foodie is non existent.

I truly believe picky eaters are a genetic strain that passes down through generations. My youngest daughter was always such a picky eater and now her son is a true picky eater, he rivals his grandfather. My daughter has since expanded her food groupsand I hope her son will too. My husband however, has stayed true to his pickiness, but that could also be the German stubbornness in him.

Until next time…

Toni

Every year since I was a child, I have looked toward Valentine’s Day with some glimmer of hope because let’s face it, I am an optimist and a glutton for punishment. I hold out for hope that this year I will get a box full of cards in my rudely made elementary Valentine’s box. I hold out for hope that this year I will get a big box of chocolates, dinner out, a dozen roses, or a puppy (my first choice) from my boyfriend, husband, secret admirer?

Every year I am presented with the same outcome – nothing. I am not disappointed by that, au contraire’, I have lowered my expectations of Valentine’s Day to zero, so I get exactly what I knew I would get, and therefore, no disappointments. Still I stay optimistic despite overwhelming odds to the opposite.

In elementary school in the sixties we were not as “aware” as a people that we are today. We were actually unaware of a lot of things, thankfully we have changed over the decades. For instance, on Valentine’s Day we all made our little homemade shoe boxes for our classmates to deposit cards inside. However, in those days you did not have to give a card to everyone in your class. You could just give a card to those you liked. As shocking of a surprise as I’m sure this is, I was not miss popular in my elementary classes. I was usually that kid that stands alone on the playground entertaining myself mentally with made up stories in my head. Surprising, I know. To this day, I’m still my favorite company.

When the big day came and we had our Valentine’s party in school, all the kids delighted in dumping out their piles of cards onto their desktops, picking off the candy treats that had been carefully taped onto the back of each card. I would watch as just a few dropped onto my desktop, a couple from friends and a few from kids whose moms made them give everyone a card. Thank you to those moms. I shoved my few cards back into the box and waited for the cupcakes to be passed around.

In my junior high days I recall that you could buy a rose or a giant heart Valentine’s cookie from the office and have it delivered to your special Valentine at school. I’d watch as this girl and that guy would get one or the other and kids would make plans to go to the dance that evening at the school. The cookies looked really good and I often wondered if I could just go in and buy a cookie for myself. I didn’t. I do think I went to the dance with a girlfriend or two as I loved to dance in those days. I still do, my body just doesn’t think it’s such a great idea anymore.

In high school we moved to a new town, a smaller town. I met my future husband and my Valentine’s Day gift hopes were renewed! I asked him recently if he remembered getting me anything for Valentine’s Day when we were in high school and his response was “probably”. I’m not sure if he did either, so I’ll give him a pass on high school because I can say without a doubt that since then, it’s been zero. There’s a reason I call him “Mr. Romance.”

One of the benefits of having children, besides all of the obvious, is that over the years they make you cute little cards and gifts on special days, like Valentine’s Day. I have been given many handmade gifts and cards over the years, often with a piece of candy taped or glued onto them from my children. These cards and gifts were made with pure love, there is no greater gift. Now I have grandchildren who make gifts and cards for their parents made with that same unconditional love. It renews my hope in Valentine’s Day.

As for Mr. Romance, this year I will expect nothing like usual, and I am sure I will not be disappointed. He eats lunch out every day while doing his carpentry work, so he doesn’t like to go out for dinner. He knows I am not big on candy or flowers, or jewelry, and I have Kutter and Jazzy for the “puppy” department of my all time favorite things. Then what is he left with after all, you might ask. You know, you are just enabling his behavior.

If you know me at all, and HE should, you know I love technology and gadgets. I have Hue bulbs throughout the house (except in his rooms, he is the opposite) I have Alexa running things and keeping track of stuff for me in various rooms, I have a smart watch, an android phone and an old iPad. I have both Android and Apple products so I have the best of both worlds covered. Notice I said OLD iPad. That was a hint for Mr. Romance. I need a new one. I have no expectations of him buying me one for Valentine’s Day, but I thought I could throw it out there just in case. Remember, I am still an optimist.

If you are lucky and you married or are dating a romantic soul who treats you on Valentine’s Day to make you feel special, I’m happy for you. Enjoy the day! I won’t even flinch at all the posts on Facebook you are going to post showing the roses you got, the box of chocolates you are enjoying, the dinner you wined and dined on. Nope, I will be happy for each and every one of you, I promise.

I do, however, feel sad for all the singles out there who don’t have someone making that day a special one for them. I’m really surprised that the local towns don’t include a singles event when they plan their Valentine’s Day activities. After all, married couples already have someone. What better day than Valentine’s Day to invite area singles to meet up and have a chance to get to spend an evening mingling with other singles? Opportunity missed I say. After all St. Valentine, who the day is named for, believed in love. Why not bring together people who might find a new love? That to me is the spirit of Valentine’s Day.

For my Valentine’s Day I may take myself out to lunch, I may go to a movie, and I may buy something special just for me, not an iPad, too pricey for bank account. Self-love is a good thing for the soul too and if you don’t have a special someone or if you are also married to a Mr. Romance, you should do something nice for yourself too on Valentine’s Day.

While Valentine’s Day is supposed to be this big day of love and romance just remember, St. Valentine was executed for those beliefs in love on February 14th, so there’s that, but enjoy your day.

Happy Valentine’s Day!

Until Next Time…

Toni