Tag: Family

Baby Steps – National Mental Health Awareness Month

Baby steps. Sometimes we all just need to take those tiny steps forward. Carefully, slowly, one at a time baby steps. These are mine right now.

Some time ago I reposted a story on social media about how 1 in 5 people are affected by some form of depression. I put on the post that I am 1 in 5.

I’ve never been afraid to admit or tell people I have depression. I guess I’m lucky that God gave me a “who gives a rip about what others think of me” attitude from the get go. I was never going to win any popularity or beauty contests anyway. I was born with thick skin and I’ve lived with a lot of ups and more downs than many others have, but I’m blessed with less than many more people have had to endure and I thank God for that as well.

You haven’t heard anything from me on my blog since before Christmas. That was five months ago! Time flies when you are depressed and don’t care to do anything.

I’ve had depression since my childhood, was “officially” diagnosed with clinical depression in my early twenties and have been on and off medication since then. For the last seven years I have been off of them. I know when my depression is getting worse, when to reign myself in and be silent and heal. “Be still and know that I am God.” I try to tune in and listen.

I like having my brain be fully aware, pain and all and not feeling a false sense of ok-ness, and that works for me. I know when I can and can’t handle what I’m going through. God has been kind to me in watching over my life, I’m very thankful. He has kept watch in my darkest hours, I am grateful and humbled.

I am not against getting help for depression, please know that, or am I against taking medication for depression and visiting with specialists for it. Been there, done that. It’s just that for me, after all I’ve been through in my life, I find that right now I’m ok with who and how I am. I’m a functioning depressed person and I’m ok with that.

I stepped out of the blog life and the recipe life and the painted rock life for a while because my depression told me I needed a break. On Facebook my main posts were about Jazzy or about ending child abuse, two things I have a passion for, for different reasons. I could feel the dark clouds gathering above me and I had to step away for a while. I had to step away from other projects and groups as well, to rest, to listen, to heal.

Here I am, taking one of those tiny steps back into my before. Before my brain told me things were all dark and gloomy. Before all I wanted to do was sleep so I didn’t have to face the day. Before I failed to find joy even in the best days. I’m working to get back to my life before it caved in to the depression that waits in the corner to pounce. Depression is an old enemy of mine and I know it well.

Mid May is a bad time for me anyway, as it builds up to the day of the 22nd when Torri went home to be with Jesus. To me it seems fitting that the month of May is for National Mental Health Awareness. If ever I needed to be aware of how I am doing emotionally, it is in May.

I’m hoping my next blog post will be lively and humorous and give you all something to smile about. That is always my goal when I write them, to leave people with some joy and laughter in their day. To lighten the mood a bit and make you smile.

Today’s blog is not that. Today I wanted to be honest and truthful with you, to bring some awareness and tell you that I am 1 in 5, and let you know I’m ok.

If you have feelings of depression, know that you are not alone. Know there is help out there for you. Know that it is not a “sadness” that you can shake off and know that it does not make you a weak person. If you need help, please reach out, there are many who can help you.

National Suicide Hotline 800-273-8255

Depression is an illness just like having arthritis or kidney stones. It’s real and there is no “ lack of self control” or “just snap out of it” about it. Just like other illnesses it can be managed with medicines, with visits to a specialist, with other modifications. There is no shame in having depression. Remember 1 in 5 people have some form of it. It can be short term or lifetime. You are not alone.

I’m Toni, and I am 1 in 5.

Until next time.

Toni

Mask up if needed, vaccinate, social distance, be kind.

https://www.nami.org/Get-Involved/Awareness-Events/Mental-Health-Awareness-Month

Easter is Hard Sometimes

Easter has always been one of my favorite holidays because it’s the day we celebrate Jesus’ sacrifice for us so that we may have eternal life. He conquered death for us. He took our sins on Him, so that we may live.


It’s also a very difficult holiday for me now. Easter was Torri’s favorite holiday. Torri wrote the blog post below about Good Friday. It’s hard for me to read, because now, almost 6 years later, we know what the results were. We know all the trials she went through, the surgeries, the pain and finally losing her in May of 2015.


But while it’s hard on me, I love her words of courage and faith. I hope they will bring comfort to others, to let them know that no matter what we face, God is always with us. That His plans for us are perfect even if we can’t see that. That in the very end of all things, all will be right.


I may not be able to put up all the Easter decorations that I used to or go all out in celebrating, but in my heart I am still glad of Easter and the message of love, eternity and hope that it carries. God loves us unconditionally and sacrificed His only son for us. That’s amazing love. May this message and the joy of Easter bless you and yours. Happy Easter.

(Photos are from 2013 from Torri’s blogs – http://wekeepitsunny.blogspot.com/2013/03/surrendering-on-good-friday.html)


Until next time…

Mask up, social distance, be kind.

Toni

Torri’s photo of a cross her and Willie made and put on their front window for Easter 2013.
Torri and Willie – Easter 2013

FRIDAY, MARCH 29, 2013

Surrendering on Good Friday by Torri Arends Hennig

Today is Good Friday. I woke up to this sunny, beautiful morning!

But, I didn’t sleep well last night. I haven’t all week. I’ve been doing a lot of thinking, praying, stressing, praying, thinking. On Wednesday afternoon, we received the results from my 3 month check up with the gyn/oncologist. The tests I had on Tuesday revealed some abnormal cells. The nurse stressed, “don’t worry, it’s not cancer”… they’re just abnormal. The oncologist wants to see me again in 3 weeks.

My initial reaction was: of course, it’s happening again, here we go. Ever since my initial cancer diagnoses 2 years ago, I’ve been waiting for this bad news. I have had good results every 3 months for 2 years. Every time it seems almost too good to be true. Could this nightmare really be over? A thing of the past? But then here’s that pessimistic whisper in the back of my head, saying, just wait for it. It will come back to haunt you.

My second reaction was to lay on the kitchen floor and cry. I can’t do this again, not again. It’s going to ruin all our plans. This is it, this is my story, the end of me. I was finally beginning to feel like I could breathe again, and now this. Back to square one…I just can’t…

But, I have to get up. How? Willie just woke up from his nap, he needs me. How? I can’t even move. I’ve got to stand up. I’ve go to live my life. How?

Like a zombie? That’s what I felt like Wednesday. I got up and I went through the motions. My mind was everywhere else…from my best case scenario to my worst case scenario and everything in between. Worrying, stressing, crying. Wondering about the Hows. And then I opened my email.

There in a daily devotional, was my answer. I can do this through Christ. That’s How. We can do all things through Him, who gives us strength. I must surrender myself. Like really, really do it this time. Finally, do it. It’s easy to say “I’ve surrendered”. It’s even easier to have the intentions of surrendering…down the road…when I’m not trying to get done what I want to get done in this life first. But, now here it is…looking right back at me. Saying, this is the answer, this is the time. It’s not on our terms.

And, that’s the hard part. It’s not on our terms. It’s on God’s terms. Does that mean everything will be ok? Essentially, yes, that’s exactly what it means. But…on my terms…everything being ok means that I’m healthy, that our family grows, and that this family remains together and that we are all healthy and safe. So, is this what God has in store for me and for us? I don’t know. Here is where faith steps in….or should I say barges in. When a regular afternoon turns into sobbing on the kitchen floor, there’s only one thing that can help you get back up. Faith. Faith in knowing that everything will be ok. It will. In the end, everything will fall into place and work perfectly. This may mean I get sick again, it may mean any number of other diseases or worldly disasters. But, there is a plan. And, I have faith in that.

There was a little prayer in this devotional email from Wednesday. After I read it, it’s all I could think about. I need to surrender my life to God. For real this time. If it is His will, let me be healed…but if not, then I am part of a bigger plan, and I am ok with that. This little idea (or huge really) had me laying awake at night. It’s a hard thing to think about and a hard thing to say out loud. But, the idea of saying it…or praying it…made me feel at peace…not so worried about the future. Because, in the end, it will be ok.

The devotional said: “Father, if this problem, pain, sickness, or circumstance is needed to fulfill your purpose and glory in my life or in another’s life, please don’t take it away!”

Wow. I get it. I’ve been praying and begging all this time, “heal me, heal me, heal me”. But, there’s so much more than that! It shot straight to my core, I finally get it. So, I carried this prayer around in my pocket for 3 days. Literally. I left the email open on my phone and looked at it from time to time. The original message was about Jesus and the great sacrifice on the cross. Even though Jesus got scared, in the end, He gave himself for us. And, that’s the most important lesson of all.

So, on this beautiful morning, I did it. I spent my time on my knees, as the warm sunshine fell in through the window, while Willie slept peacefully in bed and Brad was on his way to work. God and I had a little chat. And, I’m not gonna say that I’m not scared and that I don’t wonder what the future holds, what I will find out from the oncologist in 3 weeks. But, I will say that I’m ok. I’m really ok now.

(The original devotional can be found here at PurposeDriven)

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